During the festive season we鈥檙e all guilty of reaching for the Santa threat from time to time. 鈥淗e鈥檚 watching 鈥� so you鈥檇 better be nice,鈥� we say to our children, to better their behaviour.
As with any label though, branding our child naughty or nice (or sporty, or smart, or anything at all), can have long-term consequences, explained Allison Green, 老澳门六合彩开奖记录资料-based registered clinical counsellor and child and youth therapist.
鈥淭hose labels can start to shape their identity鈥�. It can put limits on their potential or put pressure on them to live up to certain expectations,鈥� she said.
If a child has always been called athletic, said Green, it can push them unnecessarily to keep excelling at sports or to continue with a sport they no longer enjoy because it鈥檚 become such a huge part of their identity.
鈥淚t also limits their potential because you often don鈥檛 see their other qualities. And when you overlook certain qualities, a child can be afraid to try something else.鈥�
An athletic child, for example, may be more cautious to try art because it鈥檚 not who they are perceived as being and we鈥檙e unknowingly hemming them in with our expectations.
At Christmas time, for a child who worries, being threatened with Santa observing every move may create more anxiety for them, said Green.
And for those who may not live up to Santa鈥檚 behavioural benchmark, parents need to be careful that the 鈥榥aughty鈥� label doesn鈥檛 become a self-fulfilling prophesy.
鈥淚f you tell them that they鈥檙e bad or naughty, they don鈥檛 have any other expectation to live up,鈥� said Green.
At Christmas time, especially with routines being suspended with so much going on, a child鈥檚 ability to self-regulate is very low, said Green. This means that outbursts are almost inevitable.
鈥淓verything is different and new and exciting, so we often see an escalation in behaviours around this time of year.鈥�
Where we, as parents and adults, often fall short, is that we expect our children to be able to reel it in themselves, even when faced with seasonal sensory overload. We need to see when things are getting too much for little ones, rather than blame them when things fall apart, said Green.
鈥淏ehaviour is a way of a child communicating that they don鈥檛 feel okay. When we say you鈥檙e going to deal with that on your own, especially for young kids, they don鈥檛 know how to self regulate consistently. They need a parent or adult to help them work through that.鈥�
In challenging situations, instead of issuing 鈥榥aughty鈥� labels and time outs, we ought to personally connect with them, she said.
鈥淲e could say, 鈥淚 know you鈥檙e having a hard time. I totally get it. Here are some things you can do to help.鈥� But instead we often say, 鈥淭he elf is watching,鈥� or 鈥淪anta is watching,鈥� and use fear to get them to do what we want them to do,鈥� she said.
Appeal to them on an emotional level so they鈥檙e able to make the connection between what they鈥檙e doing and how it impacts others, said Green, who suggested phrases such as, 鈥淚 can see you are really angry and frustrated right now.鈥�
Then, when the child is calm, revisit what happened, and problem solve ways they could have handled the situation differently. For instance, 鈥淚t is okay to be angry but it is not okay to hit. Everyone needs to feel safe and it is not safe when we hit.鈥�
Or, 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 like what you did. I still love you and will always love you, but I don鈥檛 like what you just did, it doesn鈥檛 make me feel good or it doesn鈥檛 make others feel good.鈥�
To help make it a family Christmas to remember (for all the good reasons!), give yourself permission to put the brakes on this festive season, said Green. Ask yourself, 鈥淲hat is best for my child right now?鈥� and don鈥檛 be afraid to swap out a few Christmas commitments for more time together.
